so its been a long time
But i feel good about putting something in this spot because no onewill really read it.
Maybe i'm going crazy. I know im loosing my mind. And i feel so helpless. and i want to cry, and i do. But i dont even know why anymore. why is it that wherever you are you want to be somewhere else, and why is it that i must pick apart things when they are so good. And why am i waiting for the bad to happen and when it happens i am so devastated. And i just want to go home driving and watch the leaves change and listen to old music and see old friends.I'm so sick of the city andthese relationships that arent going anywhere but to shit. And i always thought that i was a strong person and I'm always dishing out this advice and i can't take any of it. I'm so weak when it comes to doing what i have to inorder to gain something better. And why do i put up with so much of this bullshit, I should have gotten rid of it forever ago. But kaitlin was right, the other day she told me that when you really love someone you put all that aside and you justdeal with it becaue you love them, But why would you ever want to do that when it seems so one sided. and why do i keep getting in to this shit. when i wasa 12 it was the worst thing ever to be 12 and to not be able to do anything, but i wish that i would have known that really getting older is the most terrible thing and that it just comes withall this shit that i cant get past and i know that everyone is just carrying around this shit and i just want to burn it or walk away or something, but i just cabt physically do it.
I want something better, and in order to do that I have to get rid of all this shit. I wish i would do it already
i need to go home for a while
Ill be home thursday for a night.
i wish i had more time.
Tue, Feb. 21st, 2006, 07:40 pm
what a shitty night
Sun, Feb. 12th, 2006, 03:59 am
i am such a fuck up
Fri, Jan. 20th, 2006, 12:16 pm
I have the worst headache ever.
other than that, things are pretty good.
Sun, Jan. 8th, 2006, 11:51 pm
just saw Hostel, it was fucking amazing.
In a really good mood right now. Hung out with graham tonight. Hopefully i'll get to see adam before i go back on wed.
Sat, Jan. 7th, 2006, 10:48 pm
I've been driving a lot.
the only bad thing is that at some point i have to turn around and come home. I really want to travel with out worrying about people or rules or money or anything. I don't feel like i go with anyone, and i feel so out of place. I know everyone feels that way at some point, i'm just realizing it a lot more recently. I stopped by a party tonight with people i used to hang out with all the time, and as soon as i got there i wanted to leave. Everyone is the same. Everything is the same. I'm the different one now. I don't fit. And theres nothing wrong with that. I just feel so out of place around some of my friends now. I have no motivation to hang out with anyone.
I just want to go back to school get into work, get a job, forget i know most people and get over certain things.
Tue, Jan. 3rd, 2006, 11:54 pm
i should have gone to bed hours ago. I really need to get an actual journal, i don't like writing in this thing very much, i usually only do it because i can't read my handwriting.
I feel like i have so many little things to do, so i hope i wake up at a decent time tomorrow. I've been home for a few weeks but haven't hung out with anyone. actually thats not true i have, but not very often. I keep going to philly to hang out. jake said something to me the other day which made me realize that i've sorta been ignoring my friends from home and i thought about it, and i'm not sure if it bothers me or not. I guess if it did i'd hang out more. I mean I see mike kate and justin a lot so i'm not that much of an asshole, i just like being alone sometimes, i have better things to do then hangout in basements and get drunk. Or go bowling, because i really don't like bowling. I guess i'd like to see jaimie more. that would be good.
right so i need to get my shit together and do some painting and process some film. I have so many photos i want to print, it's going to be pretty crazy next semester. I don't think i'll have much time for hanging out with anyone, but getting work done and having a job will be pretty awesome.
I also need to write a few songs in the next week or so for a show i have coming up at Ursinus.
Tue, Jan. 3rd, 2006, 12:41 am
just wanted to let everyone know that there are two sides to a story.
yo, what the fuckkkk is up.
The past week has been pretty crazy, After being home for about three days from school I realized how fucking bored i was. I drove to Mount Laurel, Nj to see emily and stayed at her house for a night. The next day the two of us drove to Darien, Ct. It was really awesome to see everyone. Emily wanted to go swimming, so we all rented a hotel room to do so. A majority of us ended up staying over, and it got pretty ridiculous, i'm still trying to take it all in. After getting about two hours of sleep i drove two hours north to colchester to pick up genna.. who is now at my house until we go back to school.
The other night kate and genna came with me to philly. Hung out with 1310 and '38. OH and had some really good pizza, like the best pizza ever. shit. but yeah it was a good night, even though I didn't get much sleep. I ended up having a good conversation with one of my friends,and even though we've gone through alot, I'm really grateful that we are still really good friends, and that i could probably tell him anything.
My new years was pretty awesome. Genna and I went to philly once again. Our clothes were insane. I danced in the street and rapped to Biggie, had champagne, and bill cosbys. All by 1, because i was passed out alone on 1338's couch. Woke up with genna next to me on the couch, got caught up in men in dresses and paint at the mummers parade. Had an awesome breakfast at the diner, and now i'm here. I think i'll clean up some shit, fuck around with the Hasselblad I just got, and maybe play some guitar.